Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Shorter version of Walker budget speech tonight

It could go something like this, after the campaign staff signs off:

Hello, Iowa, New Hampshire, South Carolina and resentment voters everywhere. I'm submitting my 2015-'17 Wisconsin budget because the law says I still have to meet these obligations here, but you can take away some lessons about how I roll.

You might have heard that I am cutting $300 million, the largest reduction ever, from our state university system, and continuing a tuition freeze, so there will a lot of layoffs, faculty transfers and student withdrawals.

Two things about that: First, its good for your universities and their communities' growth. You're welcome.

Second: I'm not saying I hold grudges and use my power to settle scores, but those college towns are absolutely infested with liberals and Democrats, so maybe they shouldn't have tried so hard to pull Superman's mask off. Besides, a college education isn't everything it's cracked up to be. I've converted a  2.59 GPA, and a mere 94 credits at Marquette University that were two short of junior year status into a life-long career on the public dole and now a Presidential campaign which everyone from my local newspaper to the Koch brothers absolutely love.

Another word about grudges: You may remember that I'd been in office only a few weeks when I said I dropped a bomb on public employees and wiped out just about every vestige of collective bargaining.

Now I'm not saying it's because the unions and their water-carriers on the Milwaukee County Board of Supervisors made my life a living hell before I figured out how to use County resources to get a leg up on the 2010 gubernatorial opponents I beat, but I learned a long time ago in the peace and quiet of lovely faith-driven Plainfield, Iowa that payback is a bitch.

But don't think I'm all about the past. We're on the move here in Wisconsin. Though our state has a revenue shortfall that could hit $2.2 billion in the next two years, and our transportation fund is separately short nearly $600 million, we've the right tool to deal with that, in two words:

Credit card.

We'll borrow $1.3 billion to add more highway lanes for few drivers, let the grandkids pay off the bonds (I already raised three taxes on low-income people in my first budget, so that keeps the deficits lower, and we'll also borrow another $196 million to build the biggest state office building in our state's history so the road-builders and their lobbyists have suitable digs in which to meet do what they do - - let contracts.

A final word to my new friends from Davenport to Des Moines to Waterloo to Council Bluffs - - I haven't figured out my position on that government-subsidized-and-mandated corn-based ethanol that also fuels your state economy.

Frankly, it's kept me in a pickle here, too, because for every corn grower who loves it there's livestock grower and small-engine manufacturer who thinks its the devil's brew.

And my friends at right-wing, small-government-talk radio to whom I owe everything just hate it. They used to call it "Gore gas," and, honestly, "Walker gas" isn't good for me, which as you know is what's important.

I know I can't duck it forever, like I pretty much did here.

So I'm taking what I call the 'Casino Approach,' as I did with that Native American casino expansion here in Wisconsin about which I heard you loud-and-clear say "veto it," which I did, but I waited as long as I could so I could collect campaign contributions from both sides before I stuck it to the less powerful tribe and communities.

Anyway. That's it from Wisconsin. See you soon, Iowans. Go Hawkeyes. Waller' 16.


Anonymous said...

Could you throw in a few characteristic phrases, like:

"That's one of those where"
"You look at"
"I go back to"
"Talking to people around this state"
"Not just ____ but also____, particularly"

Anonymous said...

"Resentment voters."


Scott Walker has taken the Republican penchant for resentment (started by that wonderful, ethical guy Richard M. Nixon) and shined it to a fine gloss. Let's hope there are enough people left who are sick and tired of "divide and conquer" politics and want the people of our country to thrive.

I have no clue how this guy can call himself a "Christian." To me, he's more like a Darwinist -- "survival of the fittest", er, I mean, richest.